Too Much Boo Hoo Not Enough Ha Ha

I've been writing this long, drawn out blog for over a month now.

It started off the same as always;
I got a bee in my bonnet about being dead inside, about not having it in me to crave relationships the way all my other girlfriends do. What from my past made me like this? and what in my future might this "disorder" affect?

Ordinarily, I get totally obsessed with exercising my demons in writing. My pulse gets erratic, my palms sweat and my general functionality is, temporarily but very noticeably, restricted.

As I worked on this latest attempt to publicly "therapize" my inexplicably warped view of relationships, it didn't feel it.
That necessary yet painful expulsion feeling was missing.

I thought long and hard as to what the cause may be.

I briefly dabbled with the idea of writing a blog on why I had lost the urge to write blogs...When it hit me:

I don't care anymore.

I'm fucked up and hey that's cool with me.

I want a man who doesn't exist.

I want a tall, dark, handsome, rugged man (like always has stubble, maybe doesn't even own a razor? type of rugged)

He wears a t-shirt and jeans during the work week, a tool belt on the weekends and his dog is his best friend.

He is super manly, like loves sports and meatloaf and beer and drives a truck!
He doesn't induce my claustrophobia panic attacks, he isn't needy, he isn't overly affectionate, he doesn't always have to be touching me, he doesn't mind that I am not all that lady-like, and he's not into PDA*


*sneaking off to do bad things in public places doesn't count as PDA. I'm talking gay PDA, like making out on a blanket in Trinity Bellwoods PDA.


Basically my dream man is the Denny Duckett character of Grey's Anatomy fame.
But Dr. Izzy Stephen's cut the L-VAT wire and now Denny is dead.
Dream Man dead = no point in stressing and trying to find him!! Liberating.

I am taking a hiatus from blogging about men.

I am taking a hiatus from talking about men on all platforms really.

I don't know if it's that the subject has been talked to death.
Or if it's because lately I find myself stuck in dimly lit corners of bars talking to silly boys of no interest to me, just so that I have something interesting to say at breakfast the next day.
Maybe it's the realization that intelligent, stimulating conversations that do not involve men happen every day!
Or I am realizing that the more we talk about them the more layered our fucked-up-ness becomes!!
More than likely it is because I am insanely self absorbed and don't have a man to talk about right now so I have lost all interest in the opposite sex (ding ding ding!!)
Maybe I am a lesbian!!

Again, I don't care!!!

Hiatus starts NOW...now lets see if I can make as far as the bathroom down the hall, without the mention of "those whom shall not be named"

Payce!!