Absolving by Resolving

I'm not much for making New Year Resolutions. I don't believe I have ever made a promise for change on any New Year's day from 1985 to 2010.

In 2011 however, I am changing my ways and joining the throngs of people who use a fresh start as a motivation for change.

Originality is not the goal I am reaching for with these resolutions. I'm sticking to the basics:

1.take writing class

2.get back to being fit(ish)

3. get some semblance of control over my finances

All three of these resolutions represent an area in my life that, upon reflection, I feel twinges of disappointment about. And self-regret, don't sit well with me.

Last year I never made an official declaration of resolutions, yet a lot of big changes took place. So I am thinking...imagine what I could do if I made this thing a big ol' public affair!!

2010 was bit of a "watershed" year for me. The year began slightly lost and wandery. But it came to a close with my feeling the strongest sense of knowing "who I am" than I've ever felt before.

I'm trying to avoid a "chicken soup for the first time resolution makers soul" moment here, but I figure I can't move forward without doing some kind of mini year-in-review.

In early 2010, a very good buddy and I sat around one night lamenting about life when suddenly we were both really taken with the mantra: "gotta do me."  From there, we vowed to focus on abiding by this "gotta do me" slogan. (sidebar: this happened a least several weeks before Drake dropped his first single of 2010...so no this watershed year was not inspired by Drizzy Drake)

For me this meant reducing "the bullshit" that was causing me to be narrowly focused on the current moment rather than thinking "big picture." Dwelling on the insignificant minor details of trivial issues was pulling focus from big plans I have for my life.

I decided I wasn't wasting anymore time screwing around (pun intended) with boys who don't give me, at the very least,  the stomach flip.

This resulted in me actually, really, seriously, dating: no one in 2010.

I also decided I wasn't going to put any effort into finding a boyfriend. Reasoning that I would like my romantic life to unfold in direct proportion to how relaxed I was in my approach.

Aptly,  this yielded: ZERO boyfriends in 2010.

All this being said,  I was damn happy in all of 2010.

I came to be a happier person because my focus shifted.
It took a considerate amount of effort but I steered away from a recently formed habit of seeking out attention to fill a space, to give me a "high" for now.

The attention, negative or positive was something I was creating to pass time & boost my self esteem.

Boredom & self induced voids, combined with being in a mental place where I didn't feel good unless some boy was making me feel good, was in actuality making me totally miserable.

So my mission was to become self-sufficient without being closed off.

If someone came along that felt like a constructive addition to my party of one, then so be it.
But I was no longer interested in situations that felt taxing or consuming.

I wanted internal sources to fuel my happiness, instead of vapid and flimsy relationships to give me validation.

I think sticking to this principle is why I ended 2010 with a glass half full.


Nope, no boyfriends materialized in 2010 but a clear-as-day sense of what I want the rest of my life to look like, man or no man, did.

With a de-cluttered brain,  room for real thoughts with real purpose gave way.

Ironically, my cynical thoughts about love and complete distrust in men retreated during this experiment.

Ever the guarded pessimist in matters of the heart, I am suddenly not so repelled by the possibility that a man might completely bulldoze me over and make me happy everyday for the rest of my life.

In 2010 my brain, outlook, and relationships got better.

In 2011 my skills, shape and bank account get better.

1)  I love writing, I don't do it as much as I should. This year I up my blogging by... 200%?!?
 (I know this is exciting but please calm down and keep reading) In 2011, I also get some sort of formal training in writing and maybe a lesson in spelling, and differentiating between homonyms too? Then, determine if can turn my skills into a money making MACHINE!!!

2) I love pilates. I stopped doing it. It's making me LAZY in all areas of life. I am never going to be a skinny bitch, nor do I want to be. Pilates tones me right up and gives me back my curves that I enjoy showing off. 2011: upping Pilates sessions also by... 200%!!

3) I bought a condo this year. This makes me an adult. So, it's time for my bank account to stop ringing hallow like a cavernous hole. I am the only 26 year old who does not have any kind of spending "budget." My version goes as follows: pay mortgage, then bills, then spend until the cashier at Urban Outfitters gives me a disapproving glance and loudly declares that the debit machine says "insufficient funds"

Did anyone notice that finding a boyfriend is not in the list of to dos for 2011?

That's because 2010 taught me that putting things like "finding a boyfriend" on a yearly to do list is a completely insane and backward thing to do.

A dude will arrive when he and I are damn good and ready.

Maybe 2011? Maybe not.

Maybe we will meet December 11, 2012 and spend one magical night together before John Cusack shows up and pulls the plug on this whole thing.

Until then: "I'm doing me." Right Drake?