Shoo Fuck.with.er!!! Dont bother me!

Fuckwith-er: (pronounced fuck- with-her) (noun);

A species of human which hurtles through life corrupting everything around him or her at break neck speed.

Typically a fuckwith-er can be identified by a debilitating "me" complex, similar to that of a terrible-two-year old, whose brain is not yet developed enough to fully grasp the broad concept of human interaction.

A fuckwith-er doesn’t appear overly dramatic to the untrained eye, but their obsession with themselves creates a similar fallout to that of a comet entering the earth’s atmosphere, burning everything it rubs up against.

Watching this species in its natural habitat can be most fascinating, as long as you’re not the person getting burned.

The fuckwith-er regularly confuses himself with a smooth operator. This confusion is heightened in direct proportion to the amount of drinks consumed, and it’s this aspect of his behaviour that is most entertaining to an observer.

In his mind he is a stealth manipulator, manoeuvring through a crowd with Clooney-esk charm and affability. Bystanders watch in awe, slack jawed, basking in the glow of his sheer brilliance. If you are an experienced and cautious enough observer, you may be lucky enough to catch him on a bathroom break, high-fiving himself in the mirror.

A fuckwith-er is blissfully unaware that, in reality, he is giving his spectators a sensation similar to what it feels like when watching an amateur magician lighting his own hair on fire during the pyrotechnical portion of his gig: a mixture of horror (‘cause of the hair burning part) and guilt (for wanting to laugh at this soon to be disfigured fellow).

I am lucky enough to be very close with one member of this rare species. For many years, my weekends have consisted of watching him fuck with anything and everything he can get his hands on.

Sometimes the motivation for his fuckwittage is clear: he is trying to get laid. But, more often than not, the motivation is buried so deep in his psyche that even he has no idea why he is acting so recklessly.

Back in February, my lil fuckwith-er screwed up SO badly, I was forced to quarantine him. I felt like a new puppy owner doling out my first dose of tough love, reminding myself that he needed to experience what it feels like to suffer the consequences of actions taken.

This past Saturday night I was feeling overly forgiving and decided I was going to see if this two-month absence from my life had any effect.

This little experiment proved only one thing: fuckwith-ers are hardwired to fuck with you for life.

Sure enough the evening started off fine, but by last call he had started so many fires among friends, acquaintances, and fellow bar patrons that the level of damage was almost impressive.

I waited for him to finish off with the classic closing scene: a traditional brawl with the bouncers... but thankfully this was narrowly avoided as he sailed into the night with his latest conquest (a friend whom I had begged him not to hit on.)

You see, once a fuckwith-er's targets have been set, all reason and judgement fades into a blurry mess of white noise resulting in severe tunnel- vision. Their field of sight is so restricted that they are barely even able to make out what their end-goal is. They just have this undeniable urge to disturb the shit and can’t rest until they can declare a job well done.

Still feeling the after effects of this weekend by hump-day has pushed me to design a new experiment for myself in which I weed out anyone or thing that makes shit worse instead of better...

Straight forward? Simple?

A pilgrimage, if you will, toward a mystical drama- free land... which more than likely does not exist.

I don’t wanna go all totalitarian dictator on everyone here, but I am declaring personal war on this kind of folk...

Shit, call it an official apartheid for all I care.

My life is now an F.F.Z. (fuckwith-er free zone) and I invite you all to join me and to swallow my propaganda whole.